Thinking too much about life.

Being different from other people makes it so hard to make meaningful connections.

Maybe I have just seen too much in life.

I feel dead inside. My emotions only a variant of either sadness or anger. 

I guess, I'll just grind out bugs. Keep grinding out bugs.

I dont even know anymore why I find bugs. Maybe it is the only thing I actually know how to do.

I wish I could be excited about being alive, like other people. Some days I want to go to the Arctic, vanish in a raging snow storm, never to be found again. One final mad struggle.

Perhaps the storm is just inside my head.

 Yea, I want CVEs. So I can look for a different job when the time comes. Because I dont want to go through all the same bullshit I had to go through before. 

I dont know. Not happy lately. Tired of the isolation.

 My parents are visiting Canada. First time I'll see them in 2 years.

I can barely even remember the life I had before moving to Canada. 

Part of me is stressed, because I would rather throw myself into work.

It seems like work has been the only thread of sanity left.

I don't know what I want in life.

These last few months I seem to have been thrown into a deep sense of loneliness.

You keep hoping to find that place, where there is not the constant pain.

But perhaps it is my cynical nature, the way I see the world, that just makes me feel like a complete stranger in this world.

Recently, some asshole, threatened one of my homeless friends with violence, my friend is mentally ill and can't help his drunken outbursts. When he was threatening to have his buddies (some tall Bosnian guys) beat him up, I told him "not when I'm around". These threats of violence don't impress me. Fucking primates.

Just the ugliness of this world, I hate it, I absolutely hate it.

I also canceled my trip to BH/Defcon, telling management I'm absolutely refusing to go. 

I would probably just end up punching some of these infosec shitheads anyway. Can't stand this industry.

Sometimes I fantasize about becoming a cyber criminal. 

It would be satisfying to just burn down this cruel joke of a world.

Perhaps such will be the inevitable conclusion of my life.

 The only people ive been able to somewhat relate to here has been the homeless. Really just hate everyone else. Fucking parody world and dumb people.

 And fuck Microsoft. Should have never moved halfway across the world to work there. Guess i was still young and had stupid ideas. Really just hate people with a passion. Just want to see it all fucking burn.

 Infosec can go fuck itself. And the fbi too.

 I really hope Microsoft hires this @klinix5 kid from Morroco. 

I have no problem admitting someone is smarter and more talented then me, unlike others in this industry.

I have taken apart some of his work in windows installer, a component that I know better then most in this industry (I found the first logic bugs in it, years ago) and the things this kid was able to come up with is fucking genius. 

Don't make this kid feel like an outsider and face endless rejection for years until he burns out.

I won't ever forgive this industry if you do.

Maybe, its like climbing a mountain.

Climbing a mountain and people telling you you're not supposed to be on the mountain because it shatters their fragile idea of some supposedly order in this world.

Standing ontop of the mountain, looking back at all the angry people stuck, halfway on the mountain cursing all the climbers who dont fit their traditional views of what a climber is supposed to be and look like.

Fuck it, I have other mountains to climb, I exactly know already which direction I want to go in the next few years of my career. I'm done trying to prove people wrong. I dont want to waste my life just cursing at idiots. Have fun being stuck on that mountain, wankers.

You know, with each bug I find, I just get angrier and angrier. All the industry veterans, they made it seems like 'their bugs' were somehow harder to find then the logic bugs I was doing. Yea, sure, its cool to remotely bluescreen a server, but the bugs are easy to find, I have found plenty in recent months, hell, even recent weeks. Memory corruption bugs all follow fairly rigid patterns. Its not hard to find them using only a debugger. This whole fucking field is not hard at all. Smug morrons. For years, I actually believed this shit, that my logic bugs were lame, and it wasnt, they were fun and creative and a good few of them actually required some out of the box thinking.

I dont want anything to do with infosec anymore. Most people in infosec are just a bunch of backpatting losers living off old glory and you can all go fuck yourselves. All you people with all your fancy degrees and backgrounds, thinking your somehow better, well, guess a highschool dropout who literally learned everything from youtube can do all the same things you folks do lol.

 Really makes you think about human psychology. A tweet by Elon Musk where he makes fun of bill gate's appearance. And getting a million likes. What is he, a fucking 6 year old? It's the same with all these right wing lunatics. All their rhetoric is just, hate, hate, hate. Targeting minorities. Weaponizing bullying under the guise of free speech.

What happened with doing good, believing in integrity, treating everyone as equal. What happened with the noble pursuit of making this world better for everyone. 

I'm done, I live in down town Vancouver. I'm not afraid of lunatics and I will never be ashamed of who I am. It's you who are the cowards. Hateful people screaming from behind their keyboards. Fucking losers.

It's queer folks who created the information age and we can take it away again whenever we decide to. Fucking posers.

 It is funny. 

People, they have no clue how easy it is to be disruptive to millions of devices. Fuck, it wouldnt take much for some random person with just enough hate and spite in their heart to find the bugs to take out vast swats of the internet. Computers, they are so unstable, and yet the whole world relies on them. A world, full of cruel shitheads and transphobia. Its all just a fucking parody. Perhaps it should all just burn.

 Deleted my twitter. Wont reactivate it and will let it get perma deleted. If you see new accounts claiming to be me, its not me. 

Infosec can go fuck itself. Want nothing to do with this industry. Industry that made me feel worthless for years. And knowing the things I know today, I know youre all so full of shit. 

 Everyone can go fuck themselves

 Hello?

 Most of my friends, are homeless people in Vancouver.

I like them more then infosec or Microsoft people. 

I really dislike people in general.

Especially here in Vancouver, most people here are of the posh rich type, who believe themselves better then everyone else. 

Reminds me too much of infosec, or the folks here at Microsoft who graduated from all the fancy schools. 

I like honest people. 

Honesty seems to be a trait more often found among the homeless.

 Hateful people.

Bitter and pathetic.

Creating imaginary demons.

Demonizing those who don't speak their hate.

Life is but a short visit.

I'll put on a dress, see the arctic, break computers.

Deaf to the background noise, of hateful people.

Screaming in the distance, spewing hate, angrily.

Bitter and pathetic.

Visitor, hiding in the corner, cursing those who venture out.

 Yes, I was a loser, a nobody, a drop-out.

Now, I'm here, halfway across the world.

Behind my keyboard, a once in a lifetime chance.

Furiously typing, looking at a debugger.

Reading code. All day.

Everyone around me, living their normal life.

Getting married. Finding a partner. Chilling with friends.

Not for me, the bugs don't wait. 

Watching seasons roll by, from behind my keyboard.

Furiously typing.

Almost there, I can make this proof-of-concept work.

One more bug.